21 Years Ago...

Today would have been my 21st wedding adversary to Julie K. Wallendorff. I want to thank her for the life that she gave me and for the continued presence in my life to this day.

I remember how our trip to the pet store to replace her dead goldfish, instead ended up at a jewelry store buying a gold ring. I suprprised Julie in front of her staff by proposing during one of their staff meetings. I can remember how mortified her mother was because Julie was wearing a very old pair of sweats that had holes all over them! I remember standing with Julie at the unity candle, everyone thinking we were talking romantically with each other, when in fact we were asking each other what we were supposed to be doing after we lit the candle! I remember our wedding night.... pizza and sleep - we were so exhausted!

I remember, no matter what always holding hands with Julie in church and when we walked together.

I have the honored pleasure of telling Joy about her mother and just how much her mother longed to have Joy in her life. I have the pleasure of seeing Julie's sense of humor and wit lived through her incredible son, Joshua.

I have the pleasure of being reminded of Julie's gentle touch and her powerful presence in life. If I quiet myself very still I can almost hear her laugh. I can see her taking a cigarette in front of work people and freaking them out because she was a Pastor's wife!

I can remember the moment we realized that Julie had miscarried and at the same moment I said "Well, I guess we don't have to get air conditioning for the house" she said "We're still getting air conditioning!" We laughed so hard as we waited for the doctor to come in and tell us the next steps that would happen later in the hospital. We got the air conditioning, of course!

I can remember the moment we found out that Yue Shao June was waiting for us in China. We found out that she was born on April 20th while Julie was born on April 21. That was a sign for Julie that she was meant to be ours, that and the big chubby cheeks that Joy had! We were so excited and traveling to China was both a challenge and a pleasure.

I remember the many people who commented to me after Julie died how much love they saw in our relationship. I marvel at that because Julie and I did love each other and were an amazing couple together, but we did not know how much of that love we conveyed to others.

Julie, you were my first beloved and I thank you for the children you gave me and I honor you for your life and I hope that you would look at Joshua and Joy and see the wonderful influence that you have been in their lives while you were on this earth and since. I hope and do believe you would be proud. I am indebted to you for the influence you have had in my life while we shared it and since. I have tried live my life, especially as a parent of our children that would bring you joy.

I will always love you, my Julie.

Living in the presence of G*d

I had the realization this evening that I have actually been seeking something that is already present in my life -- the presence of God in tangible ways.

Like the one who lives in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains ceases to notice their presence in tangible ways such that their grandeur begins to pale the longer one dwells in their presence, I've come to believe that I'm so deeply within God's presence in every moment that my search need not be so broad and extensive; that to search outside myself has not produced fruit because my gaze for the divine has been cast too far off...

My inspiration

My son will graduate from high school in less than a week. It is amazing. He is the most wonderful young man I have ever known. He has handled life with such grace and openness and I hope for fulfillment and joy for him in the years to come. If I grow up, I want to be like him.

It is a bitter-sweet day for him because his mother died nearly nine years ago. It was a sudden and unexpected change in all of our lives. We had just gotten back from China, with our new daughter, his new sister. Life seemed on track, but seven months after returning my wife would be in a battle for her life, a struggle that would last a short six days.

I can only imagine how proud she would be. She would marvel at his talent and beam as she gazed upon the man her son is becoming. She would wonder at how much he is like her and me, the best of each of us. She would see that his sense of humor mirrors hers. She would see that he has her kindness and ability to be unconditional in his love and friendship toward others. Even when he is frustrated or angry with his friends or me, he works through that, learning something about himself and the other that somehow makes him a better person.

He has taught me so many things about living honestly. This blog is about living life. Life is happening whether we are engaged in it or not. I am engaging in life. I am happy and sad, excited and scared. My son has the world before him and the joy and excitement of what lies ahead as he embarks on the next chapter in his life. I too am embarking on a new journey...

Thank you son for being who you are. You are my inspiration for this blog... a life honestly lived and to write all that my heart holds.